Burning muscles scream in rage,
bloody fingernails tear in pain.
I'm slowly ripping my past away,
every vain by fucking vain.
Flesh is lying on the ground,
My dull heart makes no sound.
It's not too late; I have not been found.
Scraping fat off pound by pound.
Needels ripping at my blackened eyes,
eight million bloody fucking lies.
Organs pulse out their ugly cries,
While my heart cruelly dies.
Razors protruding from bruised skin,
bloody waste escaping my lips.
Watching maggots eat the shit,
coming from what you left me with.
Myself.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello, this sounds like quite an interesting story behind it. I really only have a few suggestions for you.
Instead of is making, I would put makes.
It should be needles, I assume
I would suggest something other than fucking here, not because it's *gasp* a cuss word, but because you could either use something better, or it'd make it more powerful without it.
I would take my out here, simply because it's in the next line too.
No chatspeak, but I'm sure you've hear
Overall, you really portrayed emotions well, however 'dark and demented' people say it is, I'm guessing that was your point! Haha nice though!
Thanks everyone! Your reviews helped me a lot, and to be honest made my day.
(great minds think alike, no?) You did not fail, only brightened an ever gloomy day. Thank you once again.
thank you!. I could P.M you and tell you the whole story if you'd like....just ask.
Galerius- Thank you for the different view you gave me, I really would've never thought of this that way. it helped a lot. =]
alohajuice- thank you for your concern, but I enjoy to live my life on the slightly psychotic side. (You hit the nail on the head, I am angrier at myself then anyone else)
lordgluzman- Thank you once again my friend. Your support helps me a lot.
Greyed-Thank you very much, I'm just glad I wrote something relateable(<~~couldnt get it right...) for once; usually I'm the only one.
caerauboy- I'm honored to be your first review.
Once again, thanks everyone so much. =]
I found the poem good but also disturbing, but disturbing as it is it kept me reading and thinking, what could it be that made you feel this way. You can feel the anger through every verse and the self-hatred portrayed was very powerful.
A good, powerful and gripping albeit quite desturbing poem.
(Sorry my first review)
I love the images i got in my head while reading that. Reminds me a lot of my dreams that i get every night. I guess im kinda a demented person also...
Anyways, the only thing that souned wrong to me was " Scraping fat off pound by pound." It just reminded me of losing weight >>
possibly just a different word than "fat"
otherwise i loved it. very twisted.
[please pardon my failure at editing D:]
Wow....Quite powerfull I must say. It would be cool if you transform this too scremo from poetry. I must say this was disturbing to read, but I think thats what you wanted to do. Again the problem was that it was too short for me. I usually like alittle bit longer so the storie won't end that fast. VERY, Very disturbing, Also alot of pain, psycotic anger, and gore.
um very very graphic. most graphic thing ive read in a while. it was a bit disturbing
it felt more psychotic than angry. you seemed more angry at yourself and that you were punishing yourself for what the other person did
needles is misspelled. and i think it was extremely dark for a 14 year old. what happened? Just live your life! you can do better. you can work on this even
The verbs and adjectives you use could have worked in another time and place but fail here because you use them in rapid succession like firing a machine gun. "Burning" "scream" "rage" "bloody" "tear" "pain" "ripping". You see that? It's called a laundry list and and kicks the opening of this poem down to rock bottom already, and we haven't even gotten to the rest of it yet. For future reference, don't shoot every "imaginative" word meaning the same thing at the reader all at once; spacing is everything, timing important.
Again, laundry list adjectives. You tack on pointless words to somehow attempt to accentuate your point but forget that poetry isn't just about calling something "cruel" or "bruised", but by actually having it physically and mentally relate to a reader. Right now, the reader feels as if he's a school counselor listening to a 7th grader on a tirade over a boy she broke up with. Take out those adjectives for starters, let the words flow by themselves, and go from there.
"U"? Do you even proofread your work before you send it in to be critiqued? Why are you wasting the reader's time and patience with chatspeak? Please, read through our own work at least once before clicking the Submit button. And don't use chatspeak.
Weak ending - the reader could see that coming from seven miles away, like one of those "twist" endings in bad mystery novels, the kind in which you know there has to be some sort of "surprising" end because of the genre the work is written in. The same concept applies here and it's boring. If you really want to shake up the reader's self-definition, end this normally.
Overall, a thoroughly boring poem with nothing new to add other than another lament in the reader's mind at how childish tantrums pass for poetry these days. Try again.
Hope that helped.